


7.25.19

by darkfusionx



Series: Pieces of My Heart [11]
Category: bits - Fandom, drabble - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Gen, Other, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 13:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20097697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkfusionx/pseuds/darkfusionx
Summary: '7.25.19' was a really hard day for me. So, I just let everything that I was thinking out on my keyboard.





	7.25.19

I stepped into the building and a sense of sadness came over me. I don't know if it had anything to do with being late for the umpteenth time or the feeling of impending boredom that was about to be bestowed on me. All I knew for sure that this sadness hit me hard and fast. 

Depression kicked in like a punch to the gut. The feeling that I wasn't were I wanted to be in my life career-wise, the feeling that I just might be falling out of love with a man I've been with for almost 15 years, the feeling that I was going to be doing more here at summer camp, but got reduced to just opening the lounge has put me in a state of melancholy, I have never felt so strong before. The fact that I find myself 5-7 grand in the hole and can't seem to get myself out of it. The fact that I want to have my own apartment, but can't afford one. 

The fact that I want to go back to college and earn my masters but too damned broke to go back. The fact that I've applied to jobs and barely get callbacks, which makes me feel discouraged. The fact that I'm told I'm a damned good writer, but too chicken shit to do anything about it. Let me say for the record that self-doubt is a motherfucker. It has crippled me so many times that I've lost count. 

I also hate working at my regular job and just the mere thought of going back to that shit annoys me. Being around shady people is so tiring to me now and at the age of 37, I rather not deal with it.

The icing on the cake is me feeling insecure about my weight and my feeling unattractive. Abby and I had talked about how she feels about herself, but I see her and feel like she's got it all wrong. 

I find that I have so many flaws. Even my personality, it changes because natural people think I'm weird because I know the most awkward things or just know shit that they don't know, which I guess makes them feel stupid or makes me look like that odd black girl.

Sometimes I ask myself what does Rich see in me? I'm not the most beautiful girl. I don't even have a good looking body. When I look in the mirror, all I see is the imperfections. 

I see the girl who couldn't cut it working at the law firm. The girl who couldn't get her own place and got kicked out her mom's for losing that job and coming home late. I see a walking and talking failure. That's what I see. 

Trying to achieve my dreams this late in the game is not happening. No being a lawyer. I'm just destined to work in these minimum wage at-will after school programs for the rest of life. Not to say that working there is bad. It shouldn't be the endgame for me. But almost 6 years later, I'm still here. 

I hate feeling and thinking all of these things, but I do. I don't like talking about them because I don't think anyone understands me. It's just the surface stuff but not the nitty-gritty shit underneath all of that. 

I'm stuck in this position and I have no clue on how to get out of it. It is what it is I guess...🤷

**Author's Note:**

> If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression, please seek help. Talk to a friend, your pastor. Someone you trust. It helps when you have someone there to listen to your feelings. Thank you. With love, D.


End file.
